April 11, 2011
Like the song in the Watchmen movie says, the “words of the prophets” are written in the commercials. Or something like that??? Soooo, there are two commercials which really bring home the sorry state of the American Male.
The first is a Viagra Commercial, and a 50ish something STUD is toodling down the road in his antique looking muscle car when OMG, he gets thrown a curveball!!! There is STEAM coming out of the radiator!!! He is in the desert and people DIE when their cars break down in the desert. Or encounter all sorts of weird people and end up crashing into bulldozers like in Vanishing Point (1971), which I learned about in Death Proof (2007).
But, not to worry! This is the “Age of Knowing How to Get Things Done!!! Our hero figures this problem out, all by himself!!! He needs to add some water to the radiator, sooo he pops into a gas station, buys some environmentally friendly bottled water, and takes off the hot radiator cap without a rag or anything. Gee, I am like sooo impressed. My father taught me this when I was 16, plus how to use something to keep the hot stuff inside the radiator thingy from scalding me to death. (I even learned how to change tires and check my own oil. Believe it or not, I have dated a few boyz, who couldn’t change a tire and couldn’t even drive a standard transmission. Or shoot a gun. Or hammer a nail. )
Our modern day Odysseus will return from his journey safe, and into the waiting arms of a love starved Penelope, who he can now satisfy, thanks to this being the “Age of Taking A Little Blue Pill .” Sooo, like I am not teasing men about the problems that come with age, but gee, couldn’t our Highway Hercules have faced a little more difficult problem? Like his fan belt blowing off and him carving out pieces of his own skin with his Leatherman tool to make a new one??? While hungry PUMAs and coyotes and bears watched hungrily??? (Yes, I meant that kind of PUMA–they are tougher than mountain lions!!!)
Here is that commercial:
Next we have the Be All You Can Be Men’s Wearhouse Commercial, where a dorky looking bridegroom is assured that, with the proper tuxedo, he can look nearly as good as the bride. Is this what American men have come to??? The desire to look as good as their bride??? Here is that commercial, but be sure to have a trashcan or something around in case you have to, uh er, uh, OH, never mind:
Sooo, the whole point here isn’t that women want a caveman necessarily, although many seem to. It’s that Madison Avenue usually has a pretty good idea of what sells. And these commercials are telling you something. Can’t you just imagine the focus groups behind these. Somebody hooked up electrodes to the test subjects and found a spike when they said, “You can look nearly as good as her!!!”
Or the AdMen in their cubicles trying to find an automotive problem the solution of which would both challenge, and inspire, the Male Ego sufficiently to overcome any performance anxiety. And this is what they come up with??? Adding a little water to the radiator??? Fascinating, I tell you!!! Fascinating!!!
If you have little boys, let them play with toy guns, show them how to change a tire, and maybe think twice about the earrings. If not, America may get to a point where they can’t make enough little blue pills, if you know what I mean.
[Required Disclosure: I have no interest, financial or otherwise, in any grunty little malebeast, and you couldn’t give me one on a bet. If you suffer from E.D. (Emotional Dysfunction), please make sure your heart is healthy enough to return his telephone call. ]