Sooo, there I was, on another website arguing with a lawyer who remarked that I “cheapened” articles with my rather forthright and earthy views. In response, I did this elaborate little comment, to demonstrate how lawyers tend to use lofty language to disguise what the essence of their claim. Unfortunately, it could not make it past the obscenity filter on that website, no matter how many asterisks and abbreviations, I used. Therefore, I place it here. It isn’t much of an article, but I spent a good ten minutes or so writing it, and darn it, I just hated to waste it!
HAIL To The Cheap!!!
Being An Exposition On The Efficacy of Earthiness
A Short Court Room Fantasy by Squeeky Fromm
Max: the Defendant, accused of public indecency for wearing a T-Shirt which read, “Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!, beneath the picture of an erect middle finger, more commonly known as, The Finger, or The Bird. Max is attired in an dirty overcoat and galoshes.
Mike: The Attorney for the Defendant. He is attired in a cheap, polyester suit.
Squeeky: An Intelligent, Intrepid, yet Beautiful, Girl Prosecutrix, wearing a sexy, yet demure, little black dress.
The Judge: An older man, who looks like he has seen it all.
The Action: A Bench Trial, over the misdemeanor ticket written to the Defendant
Squeeky: Your Honor, this creep appeared in public wearing a T-Shirt that read, “F” You, You “F’ing” “F”. This is the very essence of public indecency.
Mike: Your Honor, we are here today in defense of the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, an amendment for which our valiant soldiers have fought and died on foreign battlefields, and for which. . .
Squeeky: No, Your Honor, he’s here today to defend somebody who wore an “F” You, You F’ing “F”, T-Shirt around a bunch of second graders.
Mike: Your Honor, I object! Squeeky is cheapening my argument in defense of our precious, and constitutionally protected rights of free expression and . . .
Squeeky: All the Defendant was expressing was the “F” word, around a bunch of innocent second graders and nuns from the Our Lady of Perpetual Chastity Parochial School. . .
Mike: Your Honor, there she goes again! Cheapening my arguments! This trial isn’t about what was on the T-Shirt! This is about constitutional rights, and the idea of free expression and . . .
Squeeky: No it isn’t, Your Honor! We are here because the Defendant wore a T-Shirt with the word, “F” on it. Just look at the ticket… See, it says, “Subject walked into McDonalds and was taking ketchup from the condiment stand to make tomato soup, while wearing an obscene T-Shirt with the words, “F” You, You “F”ing “F”! Several nuns, and a group of second-graders were there eating their little Happy Meals. The second-graders began asking one of the nuns, “Sister Prudence, what does “f” mean???, and noting “Sister Prudence, that man smells funny. . .” Which, there was some sort of unpleasant aroma about him. Whereupon this officer issued a citation to the subject for a violation of local ordinance number. . .”
Mike: No Your Honor, this isn’t about the “F” word, and nuns, and second graders. . .This is about my client’s constitutional right to express his opinion, and world view, in accordance with the liberty, equality, and fraternity granted to us by the . . .
Max: What the fuck??? I don’t belong to no fraternity??? I just want to get the fuck out of here and back to my bottle of Thunderbird wine. . .
The Judge: Young man, do not speak until you are asked to by your attorney, should he decide to put you on the stand. . . And, don’t say the “F” word in this courtroom.
Max: Fuck you, Judge! (Whereupon the Defendant flung open his overcoat, beneath which he was wearing only his galoshes. . .)
Whereupon, the Defendant was cited with contempt, and removed from the courtroom to custody.
The moral of this story is, that sometimes stuff is just about what it’s about, and nothing else.
Note 1. The Image. This is Pola Negri, playing the cabaret girl from the 1929 film, The Woman He Scorned. There is a great website here, which has more about her:
Note 2. T-Shirts. Yes, there really are such T-Shirts! You don’t think I would just make stuff up, do you???
You can buy that one, and many more, here: